Tales from The Trenches Archive

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DAVEBOT 4000

My company hired a director to oversee a large and budding portion of our team. This was a man with very little experience in the industry, but had come from a managerial background at an aerospace company. What those who hired him did not understand is that he was likely the single most condescending and passively sexist/racist person I’ve ever known. I’m also not sure he ever did a days work in his life.

What made him more interesting was his typical day. It was so regimented that we decided he was very likely a robot and created a workflow to show how his programming functioned.

1. Davebot arrives at work, walks in the front door.

2. Davebot looks to see who is around.
2A. If no one is around, Davebot heads to his desk to fiddle with his phone.
2B. If someone is around, Davebot’s insult programming is initiated. Pick from one of the following insults:
I. “Hello cupcake”
II. “Hey Ladies”
III. “I thought turtlenecks went out of style”

3. If Davebot has not already gone to his desk, head to desk and commence fiddling with his phone.

4. Davebot is bored, Davebot stands up and walks to the desk of one of his employees.
4A. If she is there, sit down, steal snacks and begin gossip protocol.
4B. if she is not there, head to the kitchen and get a Talking Rain Sparkling water.

5. If 4A was accomplished follow up with 4B.

6. Circle the office and reinitiate insult programming (there’s now a bigger audience to choose from).

7. Once insult programming has been executed, head back to desk and commence smart phone fiddling.

8. 15 minutes later, recycle to Step 4 of Davebot programming.

9. Cycle through stages 4 through 7 until 1 PM and initiate exit strategy.

10. Head to managers desk and invite to drinks.
10A. If accepted, leave for the day and head to the bar.
10B. If not accepted, head back to desk and retry in 30 minutes.

11. Once the bar protocol has been executed, stay at bar for the next 5-7 hours, or until intoxicated enough to avoid Davebot’s crappy existence.

12. Get in car, Drive home (drunk) and commence hibernation.

This was literally an everyday occurrence. We actually timed it.